Mattress on the floor

I wake in our new house. It’s strange how quickly our new home has become its own form of normal. How just a few weeks ago I was still saying “I want to buy a house”. As if a house could be the answer to all the strangeness of our lives. I remember two years ago when Bobby and I first decided we wanted to buy a house. Not a home, not a forever place, just a house. The idea that we could buy a house, live in it and then sell it seemed like the next step. As if we had grown to a place where we could both financially and mentally take that next step. For two years we worked endless and saved everything. I remember feeling that the house would be a sign, a symbol for our success. The dream of course is to make money in real-estate.  These were the thoughts that spun around my dreams, and the house would be our golden ticket. 

Now, what seemed like a huge decision, to buy a home, is slowly slipping into normalcy. When we first bought the house I grew fearful. Afraid that in doing so I had some how traded my freedom. The fear was intense, an instant regret after signing those papers. Over the course of the next few days I ride extreme highs for what we have just accomplished, followed by the fear of that decision. For as long as I can remember I’ve never wanted to “settle down”. I’ve always wanted the freedom to pick up and leave whenever we deemed. We’ve always placed a limit on living in one place. “Five years” we’d say. And how quickly those years fly by. Now I fight down the irrational fear and tell myself that is the old me and old Suzie was always poor. This place is not a trap, just another greater stepping stone. We will not settle.

So we came to Chattanooga, planning to buy a house and as I wake in that new said house, nothing has changed, while everything has changed. I am extremely proud of us. I do feel buying our first house is a measure of our success, but nothing else has changed. We continue to eat while sitting on the floor and our bed remains a simple mattress, also on the floor. The work begins anew, the mantra changed to “On to the next one”. Bobby will continue to work on his art, and I will plan another hike. 

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